


You look happier

by Evil_Keshi



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Boys In Love, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-26 00:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15651648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Keshi/pseuds/Evil_Keshi
Summary: Logically, Alec knew that he couldn't spend his whole life avoiding Magnus Bane. After the break-up, after being apart for so long, maybe it was time they spoke to each other again..."You look... happier.""Do I?"





	You look happier

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! As promised, here comes one of the first AU's I mentioned on Twitter in early August. More will come for sure but I'm leaving tomorrow for Vienna so just give me some time :p I hope you'll enjoy this oneshot!

  


Logically, Alec knew that he couldn't spend his whole life avoiding Magnus Bane. Not that he wanted to, no, it was just... hard to be around him. Around the _thought_ of him. So maybe he had tried to be a mature adult but had ended up banishing from his life all the places Magnus and he used to go to together... before. Maybe he had stopped wearing the shirt Magnus kept telling him fit his eyes so well. Maybe he had put the _best boyfriend ever_ mug Magnus had offered him at the far end of his cupboard in the kitchen, so that he wouldn't see it and cry every morning as he prepared his breakfast.

Perhaps a mature adult would have thrown the mug away, all things considered.

In hindsight, it was clear by now that Alec should also have known that agreeing to go to Maia's birthday party meant that he would see Magnus. Whom he had not been actively avoiding by locking himself in the bathroom for the last twenty minutes, not at all.

For the past year and half, he had found all the excuses in the world not to join his friends when it was reasonable to assume that Magnus would be there too. Well, he'd had finals, that much was true at least. This time though... Maia would probably have killed him if he'd dared tell her that he was busy or sick again.

Alec glanced at his reflection in the mirror, before he turned his gaze away. He didn't really like what he saw... A boy scared to face the love of his life, the man he had hurt while hurting himself in the process, his tired eyes reminding him of too many sleepless nights craving his lover.

Twenty-five minutes were probably not too long a time to spend in the bathroom, right? Maybe he could even stay there all night, then he would come out and help Maia to clean up the vestiges of the party and pretend he'd had a lot of fun, before going back home. To his too empty and cold bed that had not known the warmth of two bodies together since Magnus.

He jumped when someone knocked on the door.

"Alec?" came Izzy's voice from the other side. "I know you're in there. It's time to come out!"

"Been there, done that," her brother answered, although he still unlocked the door and pushed it ajar, just enough to slip his head through the narrow opening.

"Very funny, Alec," Isabelle said while rolling her eyes. "You do know that you can't lock yourself in the bathroom all evening, right?"

"Watch me," he muttered, even though she was right.

He couldn't do that to Maia, it was her birthday, and he wouldn't be that bad a friend. Not to mention that if Simon drank too much, like the last time, he would definitively need that bathroom - which, gross.

"I'm not sure I can do this, Izzy," he admitted as he walked out of the room, looking at his feet as he did so. "I broke his heart."

"And yours," Isabelle reminded him gently. "Go out there, Alec. You don't have to talk to Magnus if you don't want to."

That was technically true but Alec knew himself. Catching a glimpse of Magnus and his perfect hair when he'd entered Maia's flat had been enough to send him into a panic already, hence the twenty minutes in the bathroom. He was physically incapable of ignoring his ex-boyfriend, not when his attention was still so easily drawn to the faintest echo of his voice, his eyes to his grace as he moved, and even the music made his fingers twitch in their desperate need for Magnus' hand, to pull him into a wild dance. Alec couldn't dance to save his life and his clumsiness had always made Magnus laugh...

"Go," Izzy encouraged him, "Try to have fun."

Alec grumbled an answer that could have resembled a _yes_ before he went to the living-room, where most of Maia's friends and colleagues-turned-friends were laughing as she unwrapped her gifts, some of which being small and funny - with an actual present on the side, because to be honest, animal butts magnets weren't Alec's idea of a proper gift. Then again, he had always been more on the serious side.

"Alec!" Maia exclaimed when she saw him, "I wondered where you'd run off to! Thank you so much for the book, you're so sweet!"

"You like it?" the young man asked, feeling relieved, because he never felt much inspired when it came to gifts, "Really?"

"I love it," she answered, hugging him briefly.

Good. He had looked through all the bookshops in the city, a bit desperate, for this book about endangered marine species, since Maia had recently decided to ditch her fulltime bartender job to attend classes again. The Hunter's Moon had lost its best bartender that day but Maia's happiness had increased tenfold and wasn't it the most important? If Alec had made her even a tiny bit happier with his gift, then he considered his mission accomplished.

Alec usually had a hard time when it came to find ideas of what to offer his friends. Magnus didn't, so he had taken care of all the gifts when they had been together - as in, thinking of the perfect present and then buying it, which had turned out to be a big problem for Alec. One he didn't like to muse on too much, since it was one of the reasons Magnus and he had come to this party on their own this time, instead of together and holding hands, like they had two years prior.

Crap. _Try to have fun_ , Izzy had said. Right, what a joke. Alec had it bad enough already, unable as he was to move on and forget about what he'd shared with Magnus, even after one year and half of being far from him, so now that they were in the same place? It was impossible to have _fun_. He didn't feel ready, neither to actually face Magnus nor to realise that maybe, _he_ had moved on. Without Alec.

The thought was suffocating and he knew that he had no right to feel that way, not when he was the one responsible for the fate of his relationship. _Partly_ , Jace often reminded him. _Mostly_ , Alec still privately thought, because even though Magnus hadn't understood why the whole situation made him so uncomfortable, thus making Alec feel even more miserable, he had been the one to walk away in the end.

Alec needed some air. The living-room felt stuffy, there were too many people talking and laughing above the music and it didn't mix well with his thoughts. He was pretty sure that his head would eventually explode, so he staggered away from the crowd and pushed open the large window to step on the small balcony and breathe in the cool air of the night.

Only then did he notice that someone else had chosen this balcony as a refuge before he did and of course, it had to be Magnus.

Magnus, who looked up from where he was sitting on the ground, knees up and supporting his elbows, at the same time as Alec realised that it was him. Magnus, whose beauty hit Alec straight in his heart, tearing through the flimsy scar there, as he took in all the ways in which this Magnus was _his_ Magnus and a different one altogether.

One year and half was a long time not to see someone, especially for Alec who had grown used to see Magnus every day for ten amazing months of love, and he was drinking up every small detail of the older man's face with too much eagerness for his own sake, as if his eyes wanted to make up for lost time.

Magnus still had the same beautiful eyes that shone whenever they kissed, the same lips that had pronounced so many words of love, the same graceful and strong hands that held his own. These lips weren't his to kiss anymore though, Alec had no right to want to brush his hand against Magnus' cheek to feel the softness of his skin. They were reduced to this, two strangers staring at each other in silence, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to feel, sad or elated at the sudden sight of one another.

Alec tried not to think that maybe Magnus had been avoiding him as well, staying on this cold balcony rather than suffering through the pain of facing his ex-boyfriend. Should he leave? Allow Magnus his privacy? Go back inside, kiss Maia's cheek with an apology and leave the party completely, so that at least one of them could enjoy himself? Alec stood there, uncertain, not knowing what Magnus' reaction would be to any of his decisions, until the older man said:

"Alec."

He felt the tears rise, ugly and painful, and he blinked before suddenly looking away, unable to keep staring into Magnus' eyes. It wasn't the fact that he was hearing Magnus' voice for the first time in one year and half, it wasn't even the fact that he didn't sound soft or gentle...

He used to be _Alexander_ for Magnus.

He hadn't thought that he had also lost the right to feel his heart stutter whenever Magnus said his name.

"H... Hey," the younger man stammered, feeling like a fool.

They never used to be awkward. Yet, Alec couldn't find even the shortest word to tell the man in front of him, at least not one that wouldn't end up with him picking up his shattered heart from the ground again, not one that wouldn't cause more damage to Magnus than he already had.

"I..." Alec started, gesturing to the people inside the apartment, who were all unaware of how two lost lovers had just reopened their wounds, "I should probably... leave you alone."

"Stay," Magnus told him before he could move. "I don't mind."

There was a time when Magnus would have said _stay and cuddle me, I'm cold_ , and Alec would have obliged with a smile and arms ready to engulf Magnus' shorter but more muscular body in his embrace. Tonight, he could only stand there and ache.

Magnus flashed him a small smile, perhaps to tell Alec that he meant it, that he didn't mind his presence even though the circumstances were completely different from before. This smile looked almost shy, a wonder for someone who knew Magnus as well as he did, but Alec didn't think he was mistaken as he thought that perhaps Magnus was just a little bit glad to see him.

"You look... happier," he blurted out, half-saying the truth and half-looking for something to say.

A flicker of undecipherable emotion passed on Magnus' face like a shadow.

"Do I?" he softly asked.

Alec didn't answer him, Magnus' own words all he needed to hear in order to understand that he was wrong, that his ex-boyfriend was just putting on a mask - and he had never thought this could happen between them. Still, compared to the last time they'd seen each other... Magnus did, in fact, look happier. This time, he wasn't crying - neither was Alec, although he wasn't sure to keep his barriers up until the end of his strange, halted conversation with Magnus.

"Izzy told me you graduated, six months ago?" the older added, realising that Alec wasn't going to answer - perhaps he hadn't even expected him to. "Congratulations."

"She... she kept you updated?" Alec asked with wide eyes, not even thanking Magnus in his surprise.

"Whenever I asked, she answered, yes," Magnus said softly.

 _Whenever_. Not just _when_ , which could have been a random time once, but several times, Magnus had asked about him. Alec hadn't. Not for lack of interest, as he had always loved to take a look at the plans and designs his favourite architect was working on, but... asking would have made it harder to move on. Not that he had, anyway, so if he had shown any curiosity toward what Magnus' life without him was... It would have made it even worse.

Alec took a step back when Magnus stood up, probably freezing by now with his ass on the cold ground, and suddenly the other man was too close to him, their faces only a few inches apart, as if the past year and half hadn't existed, as if they had just decided to make out on this balcony while no one was looking at them - it had happened before.

So he stepped back, suddenly overwhelmed by memories and conflicting emotions, torn between the need to flee and that to hug Magnus and never let go again. Instead of going through with any of these options though, he found the strength to speak.

"I... I also got a job," he blurted out. "History teacher."

"I know," Magnus revealed with a genuine smile - what had Isabelle _not_ told him?! "You must be so happy about that."

He was. Finding a job so quickly after his graduation had come as a surprise and he'd spent several nights preparing lessons instead of sleeping to make sure that he would be ready for his first day. He had entered his class with his heart beating so fast he was afraid it would give up on him but then, he had started talking and all his nervousness had vanished. His kids were great, for the most part, and he loved that job.

"I am," he finally told Magnus, managing to flash him a sincere smile in return, "I finally feel like an adult."

Alec realised that he shouldn't have said that as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Magnus' expression closed off and his whole body tensed, as if preparing for a fight.

"You know that you never felt like a kid to me," Magnus told him severely.

"I didn't feel like that either," Alec shot back, his voice going from offended to miserable as he added, "Just like a burden."

Now Magnus looked angry and Alec knew what he would say, for it felt like their last fight all over again, but Alec couldn't change how he felt. He had been twenty-three and a student, while Magnus had been twenty-nine, an already successful, hardworking and rich architect, and Alec just... He hadn't felt like Magnus' equal.

"There's no universe where you would ever be a burden," Magnus told him between gritted teeth, looking away as soon as he'd said that, perhaps only now noticing that he had used a present tense. "This... was never an issue for me."

"I know," Alec told him softly, more than he would have liked, "but... Magnus, I couldn't even treat you to a nice dinner, not without being broke for months afterward!"

"I wasn't asking for it!" Magnus protested, crossing his arms defensively, "I just wanted us to be together!"

"We were," Alec reminded him, "and you offered me expensive gifts, took me to fancy restaurants, and me? I bought you flowers, once in a while, when I could afford it."

"Roses," Magnus recalled with a sad smile that tore at Alec's insides more effectively than a knife would have, "They were beautiful, every time."

"That's not the point, Magnus."

"Then what is?" he asked, his eyes impossibly wide and desperate, making Alec hate himself a little more for being the reason behind this sorrow. "What was the point of breaking both our hearts, Alexander?"

Alec didn't think it was possible to suffer more than this, as Magnus finally let his full name slip in his question, betraying how affected and hurt he truly was.

"I didn't feel like I was up to your level," he explained softly, "and it was killing me, because I wanted to be a better boyfriend to you, and I couldn't."

Magnus took a deep breath at that.

"You never had to prove yourself to me," he started, sounding even sadder than before, "and if I ever made you feel inferior, I apologise. I didn't mean..."

"You didn't," Alec told him before he could finish, because he wouldn't allow Magnus to blame himself for his own insecurities. "But you deserved someone better, someone who could take you on a weekend somewhere in a nice place, someone who could..."

"Stop it," Magnus interrupted him, closing his eyes for a short, painful moment. "Stop. You think that this is the kind of stuff that mattered to me? _You_ mattered! And I get to decide whom I deserve to have in my life! And it's you! I've been on a few dates since we broke up and you want to know why none of these people made it past the first date? Because they weren't you!"

Magnus abruptly stopped talking. He turned around, unable to look at Alec any longer after baring his heart to him, and the younger man had never wanted to hold him in his arms as badly before. It hurt to hear these words, Magnus' affection for him as much as his refusal to move on, even though the latter was also a strange comfort for his scarred heart. Of course he hadn't been with Alec because his wealth mattered to him...

Still, Alec had been too caught up in his insecurities to understand, to let go of this awful feeling of being _not enough_. He hadn't been able to face himself before, not when he thought that he was a burden to Magnus, that he depended on him... Now though, he could feel this old insecurity slowly backing down, like a soldier who had lost a fight.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, making an aborted gesture to touch Magnus' shoulder, "I just wanted you to be happy and I thought... I thought I couldn't make you happy myself."

Magnus sort of snorted, a weird sound that came out more like a sob, and Alec wanted to punch himself.

"I don't want to date a copy of myself," the older man eventually told him, turning around, showing him his wet eyes. "You made me happy, Alexander, like no one else did before."

"I'm sorry," Alec repeated, his throat too tight and painful, as if he was going to start crying too.

"No, I am," Magnus said, "I didn't see how much of an issue this was for you, because it wasn't for me, and I didn't understand why you felt that way. You... You made me so happy, though."

"Magnus..."

"No," the architect cut him off, shaking his head, "Let me finish. It never mattered to me that you weren't taking me to the restaurant or that you weren't throwing all your money at me. You made me happy in different, more genuine ways. Seeing your smile first thing in the morning did that. The day you skipped your classes so we could have lunch together in my office, too. The day you told me you loved me for the first time..."

"I'm still in love with you," Alec confessed, unable to hold it back any longer.

"You think I'm not?" Magnus wondered, his voice so soft Alec feared that perhaps he had imagined it, although the man's vulnerable expression said otherwise.

Alec blinked. He... hadn't been expecting that. He didn't even know how to react to this question, unwilling to get his hopes up if he analysed what Magnus meant and got it wrong. If he was given the option to start again, to get it right this time around... He would say yes. He had a job, he felt more confident in himself, now even more reassured that Magnus had loved him for what was in his heart, so...

What should they do now? He loved Magnus. Magnus loved him. There could be only one logical consequence to such facts but apparently, Alec was too much of a coward to ask the question - he had hurt Magnus and the older man would have the right not to want anything to do with him anymore, so maybe... Maybe Alec was scared. However, the slow and tentative step he took forward was a step in the right direction.

"What would you say if I asked for a second chance?" he whispered, his eyes meeting Magnus'.

"You never needed to ask," Magnus answered softly. "Baby steps, though?"

Alec nodded, wholeheartedly agreeing with Magnus: they had spent more than one year apart. Relearning each other would take time and maybe they would never go back to the way they were before but it was fine, as long as they could make a new _they_. Together. He already knew that it wouldn't be easy, because he would never earn as much as Magnus did, what with his teacher job, and he would probably need to fight his insecurities some more in the future... While Magnus would have to refrain from buying him as many expensive gifts as he used to.

This time though, they could do it. Alec had grown, he felt more mature... Maybe he hadn't been ready before, to enter a relationship with a man who already had a professional life, so different from a student's. This time, he would learn not to push Magnus away.

"Would you go on a date with me then?" Alec asked, feeling his hands shake like the first time he'd asked that question to Magnus - which had also been his first time asking someone out, period. "My treat?"

"Alexander," the older man tutted, his brows furrowing.

"Please, Magnus," Alec said, feeling bold and taking Magnus' hands in his own, "Let me do this for you."

"Fine," he agreed, entwining their fingers, "but I'm paying on the next date."

"Next date?" Alec repeated, a cheeky smile pushing its way onto his face at the same time as joy exploded in his heart, "What happened to taking baby steps?"

"You know what I meant," Magnus laughed, a sound that made Alec's whole body tingle, for he hadn't imagined that he would be the one to make Magnus laugh ever again. "If you think I'm letting you go again, you're sorely mistaken. I already have a hard time not to kiss you right now, so..."

"Please do," Alec blurted out, before he stammered, "I... I mean, you... can. If you want."

He didn't have the time to admire the delighted glimmer in Magnus' eyes at his words, for soft but hungry lips were suddenly on his and he closed his eyes. His hands cupped Magnus' face of their own free will, like a reflex, his thumbs caressing Magnus' cheeks. Old habits died hard, he thought, and this was the proof of it: it had been one year and half since their last kiss and still, their bodies knew how to embrace each other, how to please one another, with Magnus' arms around his waist and holding on, his own hands busy mapping the contours of Magnus' gorgeous face.

"I missed this," the architect whispered after some long seconds of silence, only broken by the wet sounds of their mouths claiming each other.

"I missed you," Alec answered on the same quiet tone, awed, barely believing that they had kissed after so long.

Magnus smiled and squeezed his hand, looking a bit surprised by the unexpectedness of this evening as well, but he was also glowing - and it had nothing to do with the moon casting its pale light on his face.

"You look happier," Alec said with a smile, that immediately brightened when Magnus laughed.

"I do."

  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to leave a comment, I'll be super happy to read and answer them! Until next time, take care of yourselves!


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